I sit here, grappling with a profound mix of emotions as I contemplate the passing of the man who once tormented my childhood, the man who sexually abused me from the tender ages of six to eleven. The news of his death has stirred up a whirlwind of conflicting feelings within me—joy and sadness intertwining in a complex dance. In this blog post, I aim to share my honest, down-to-earth reflections on this sensitive matter, and delve into the profound question of “Who am I as a survivor?”
It may seem paradoxical to some, but there is an undeniable sense of relief and even joy that washes over me upon hearing of his passing. The weight of the burden he imposed on my young shoulders has now been lifted, and a chapter of pain and suffering has come to an end. The thought of him no longer being able to hurt anyone else fills me with a bittersweet sense of triumph. I am reminded of my strength, resilience, and the distance I have travelled on my healing journey.
While the news of his passing brings relief, it also stirs up a wellspring of sadness within me. It is an ache that stems from the realization that the closure I yearned for will remain elusive. The opportunity for him to face the consequences of his actions, to take accountability, and to provide some semblance of closure or apology has been extinguished forever. It is a loss not only for me but for justice and the closure I had sought for so long.
So what has abuse done to me?
Well, it shaped my sense of self-worth to the point of me being sexually, mentally and spiritually self-destructive. I was nothing If I wasn´t seen as sought after or sexually attractive. I had no worth.
My brain began to shape the concept of love after the kick that the destructive attention gave.
I am still working on valuing myself after who I am based on all aspects of myself. It´s hard work and cuts deeper than I want to admit on almost a daily basis. I am here. I feel. I am alive. He is not.
Who am I as a Survivor?
Being a survivor is both a badge of honour and a scar that shapes who I am today. It signifies the indomitable spirit that refused to be broken, that fought against the darkness and emerged stronger. As a survivor, I have learned to navigate the treacherous waters of healing, confront the trauma, and reclaim my power. It is an ongoing journey of self-discovery, self-compassion, and rebuilding.
But being a survivor does not define me solely in terms of my victimhood. It is only one aspect of my multifaceted identity. I am a resilient individual with dreams, ambitions, and a capacity for joy that surpasses the pain inflicted upon me. I refuse to be defined solely by the abuse I endured; I am so much more than that.
The passing of my abuser is a complex and emotionally charged event, entwining joy and sadness in a way that only survivors can truly understand. The mix of relief and grief, closure and unanswered questions, makes it a difficult reality to navigate. As I reflect on the question of “Who am I as a survivor?” I am reminded of my strength, resilience, and the multifaceted nature of my identity. I am more than my trauma, and as I continue on my healing journey, I strive to define myself on my own terms, reclaiming my power and embracing life’s possibilities.
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I have coffee to sip and trembling hands to calm.
The truth has been set free. Let it soar!
/L